Your awkward phase in your life is over. Now is the phase where you think you know everything and you are bullied by liberals until you are compliant. However, not to worry, you have around ten years after college to enjoy in a life-vacuum before becoming successful and republican in your forties. Since you know it all already, then you probably shouldn’t need this article, but just in case you still have some humility left, here are a few questions and answers that may help you.
1. What do I do when I’m sick and my parents aren’t around?
You need to get on the phone with them right away, make sure they are both listening, and then tell them what complete failures they are as parents for sending a child out in the world that is unable to take care of himself/herself when he or she is sick.
2. I haven’t had to make friends in an age. How do I make them now?
It is easier than making captain hook cry by throwing his two favorite puppies at him at the same time. Making friends in the college and/or university setting is viciously easy so long as you are not uptight and you do not stick to your classmates. Join groups and talk to strangers. You won’t regret it.
3. What do you do if your roommate walks in on you naked or otherwise compromised?
Shake them, or shake it, at your roommate and go about your business. You are both going to see each other naked and/or partially dressed at some point. Do not make the mistake of thinking that you can hide it, and do not be that person that has to get in the closet or hold up a bed sheet in order to get dressed. If you go to great lengths to hide your body, then your roommate will assume you have something disfiguringly wrong with you and tell everybody.
4. I’m going to get fat, aren’t I?
You are going to get fat for the first six months, and then you will realize that everybody else is getting sex except for you, and you will notice how your friends start avoiding you and start suggesting you go hang out with the fatties. At that point, you will probably start losing weight because your pants are getting so tight that nobody will ever get them off. Furthermore, by month six you have already learnt how to evaporate your student loan or grant and so cannot afford food.
5. If I attend a huge lecture with lots of smart upperclassmen, how can I avoid sounding stupid?
You have two options. Either you don’t say anything, or you answer a question with a question, which is usually a great way to get out of any situation. You can reply with a question that is in context, or if you were asked a question, you can say, “Oh, well I was meaning to ask you that question.” You can even say, “Are you asking me cos I am black?”
6. How do you get used to going to the bathroom in a public space?
It is not just bodily functions; you will also have to share showers with people that have foot diseases (wear crocs or sandals in the shower). You will quickly get used to having to pee and poop in a strange place where other people are waiting outside to use it, but that is not the worst part. Many students don’t bother to aim at night, so you can’t expect a dry floor. Plus, some boys always seem to leave a deposit in the shower that sticks to whatever it touches if it has been exposed to water.
7. Are parties all about tons of angry guys drinking and shouting like in the movies?
No, they are not. They vary wildly from one party to the next. It really depends on the culture of the people within the party, and the type of people in the party. You will attend parties where people are screaming and smashing furniture, and you attend nerdgasm parties where frantic discussions about 7-of-9s bra just won’t hold up (giggle).